Saturday, September 25, 2004

Lawyers and Lawyer Jokes

One thing I could not get over when I first moved to this country was the number of personal-injury lawyers they have here. They have television ads, websites, toll-free 1-800 numbers, big billboards by the side of the highways, and posters on subways.

I can just hear them now: "Do you sometimes feel listless and unable to concentrate at work? If this sounds like you, you may be suffering from Repetitive Boredom Syndrome. RBS is a disease that affects thousands of American workers just like you! Call 1-800-SUE-THEIR-ASS and get justice today."

Of course, most of these lawyers work on a contingency basis, which means they don't make anything you lose, but if they settle or win, they take the lion's share of the proceeds and leave the plaintiff with whatever scraps are left-over.

About a year ago, I got a letter in the mail from Western Union informing me that I would be receiving a coupon for some free services as a result of their settling a class-action lawsuit in which I was a plaintiff. Imagine that, I didn't even know about this lawsuit, and yet I was somehow a plaintiff. So, I looked more into the lawsuit and found out that it was a class-action lawsuit over Western Union making a small percentage of each foreign-currency conversion they executed (something that every bank or currency dealer I've ever seen does), and as a result of the settlement each member of the "class" will get a coupon for about $3.25, while the lawyers who initiated this class-action lawsuit made millions. What I found shocking about this whole lawsuit was that I'd always found Western Union's currency conversion rates a bargain (better than I could get from a bank).

When a person like me can become a plaintiff in a lawsuit he's not even aware with, and which he doesn't even agree with, something is seriously wrong with the legal system in this country.


Which leads me to think of some lawyer jokes....

Did you hear about the lawyer who fell into a shark-tank at the acquarium? The sharks left him alone out of professional courtesy.


Q: Why do buzzards have wings?
A: To beat the personal-injury lawyers to the accident scene.


Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: One is a slimy blood-sucking vermin, and the other is just a leech.


Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with just two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.


Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead dog in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid-marks in front of the dog.


A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks to see the lawyer. Upon being brought into the lawyer's office, he asks, "how much do you charge for your services?"

"Five hundred dollars to answer three questions," answered the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully expensive?" asks the man?

"Yes it is, it's very expensive," answers the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"


A man walks into a bar with an alligator and sits down. He calls over the bartender and asks, "Excuse me, sir, do you serve lawyers here?"

The bartender looks at the man and answers, "yes, sir, of course we serve lawyers."

"Great!" says the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator here will have a lawyer."


A man was shopping in an antique store and saw an interesting looking figurine made of brass in the shape of a rat. It was a bit tarnished and ugly, but was made in exquisite detail. So, he asked the shopkeeper how much it cost. "It's five dollars, but the sale is final," said the shopkeeper, "if you leave the store with it, we will not take it back under any circumstances."

The man thought this was a good deal, so he handed the shopkeeper a $5 bill, picked up the brass rat, and went on his way. No sooner had he left the doorway to the store did he see a live rat coming around the corner of the building following him. Then another, and another. He kept walking along the street and as he walked past each doorway, rats came out and followed after him. He broke into a run, and the rats ran with him. Before long, there were thousands upon thousands of rats running after the man, and he was getting very scared. He thought to himself, "I know what I have to do," and sprinted to the steep cliffs at the edge of town, pulled back his hand, and threw the brass rat as hard as he could over the edge of the cliff. Just as he expected, the rats ran right past him over the edge of the cliff where they all fell to their deaths.

The man returned to the antique store, and the shopkeeper looked warily at him and said, "Didn't I tell you, the sale was final and we won't take the brass rat back under any circumstances? We don't want any more trouble here."

"Don't worry," said the man, "I was just wondering if you might have a brass lawyer for sale also."